Downer Alert

Warning: This post is a downer so you may not want to read any further.

This is the first day this week that I haven't been to a doctor or had some kind of procedure.

Monday: Went to my primary care for the okay for surgery. They did an EKG and a chest x-ray. He wanted to send me to a cardiologist.

Tuesday: Appointment with cardiologist. They did an echocardiogram.

Wednesday: Had a PET scan.

Next scheduled appointment is back to the oncologist on the 30th.

Then surgery on the 4th.

Right now I am so tired and I know that it is because of the emotional ups and downs of this cancer ride. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I have to go to the grocery store. That may be all I can do tomorrow. I want to go have Christmas with Philip and Caryn tomorrow afternoon but I just don't know if I can. I do okay at work because I stay busy and can focus on things outside of my personal issues. I truly thank God for my job. It has helped to keep me on a somewhat even keel these past few weeks.

I am trying so hard not to just give in to the fear because I don't want a Meniere's episode. But once in a while the realization that I have cancer in overwhelming. I never ever entertained the possibility of having cancer. My family doesn't have cancer..they have heart disease. But this is real...I DO have cancer.

I know that I am blessed to have caught it at an early stage and that the cells are grade 1. I have so many people praying for me and I know that prayer really does work miracles.

I just ask Jesus to help me get through the next few weeks without being overcome with fear. I am not afraid of death if that should be my lot. But I am afraid of the pain that I will have to suffer to be "well."

Enough of the "pity party." It's time to look at the positives in my life and focus on them.